Imposing Beauty

By Joseph Vitti

This is a piece written by Joseph Vitti. He shares with us his inner thoughts during his first photoshoot. This is the client that almost brought me to tears at the end of our shoot because he said these three words, "I feel beautiful". This really touched me and gave me a different perspective on photography. As I never thought that one photoshoot could impact someone in such a way. These are the clients who inspire me to keep going. I hope you enjoy this read xoxo

-Erica

Author’s note: ‘Imposter syndrome’ refers to the behaviors and experiences of a person exhibiting disproportionate and/or debilitating levels of insecurity. Often comorbid with perfectionism and/or anxiety, it is generally understood to be an enormous waste of human energy.

I am the model in the photos shown here, and this photoshoot was my first (ever!). What follows is a loose translation of my internal monologue that evening.

Approximately 6:45pm                

I am camera-ready, I am on-location, and I’ve got a gentle yoga flow going. I think I feel… good? Yes, this is definitely what ‘good’ feels like. Let’s remember this feeling and think about it later.

6:49pm                 

I mean, how could I not feel good right now? I always wanted to be a model, even just once – and here we are! Childhood dreams are coming true.

6:53pm                

I swear, I can feel something like divinity pulse through the veins of my wrist and stream gently out of my fingertips. I’m in supta baddha konasana; Carly Rae Jepsen is blasting through my ear pods and I am feeling FAB-U-LOUS. Let’s do this.

6:53pm and 30 seconds         

This was a mistake. I definitely oversold my dance experience. Erica, the photographer, is going to realize that I can’t deliver, then I’m going to get all ‘in my head’ and THEN we’re all going to wonder, why is this guy wasting our time?? I know – maybe I can bolster my chances for a positive outcome if I really stretch my hamstrings out. Is it too late to start developing my pelvic floor muscles??

6:55pm        

Erica’s here! Wow, she’s really beautiful. She’s going to wish she had just taken selfies.

6:57pm        

And she’s nice, too – OK, I can breathe. Remember: you’re going to be fine, and you’re going to have fun. Remember feeling good earlier? That was neat.

7:01pm        

OK, here we go. I’m standing in water up to my calves, with my buttocks positively death-clenched – as if locking my body into ‘first position’ could somehow save me from the impending revelation that I’m… more of a wannabe than a dancer per se. And yet… the light is hitting me just right – for a second, I find myself thinking that I might actually be really beautiful. There’s a family some twenty feet away; I laugh to myself imagining that the parents are gawking and asking each other if they’ve seen me in commercials (they have not).

7:04pm        

I’m posing. Erica’s shooting. This… might be the most fun I’ve ever had in my life

7:07pm        

Oh you like that pose?? Well try THIS on for size! Bet you didn’t think I could put my hand there. Or how about this!!

7:09pm        

Time for jumps!! I got this.

7:09pm and 30 seconds

I DON’T GOT THIS. I am already out of breath and the legs are not legging. And what I’m doing here isn’t even ballet; this is some jazzy musical theater step I picked up when I was, what, twelve? I am… deeeefinitely making a fool out of myself here.

7:13pm        

OK, let’s just move on – I know! Arabesques. I’ve been doing arabesques since I was a kid. I’ve got this.

7:13pm and 30 seconds

I DON’T GOT THIS. The slightest motion in the water around my ankles throws me off completely. Why didn’t I anticipate this would be harder than on solid ground? My brain is screaming out orders to my body: anchor the heel!, lift the pelvis!, serve the face!, but nothing computes. I imagine I look like a flamingo on mescaline.

7:15pm        

ACTIVATE EMERGENCY PLAN. There is one thing that I know I do well, and that is: bend over backwards. I’m… not gonna dwell on the implications of that; nor am I sure how or when I developed this skill – but I’ve consistently found that people say ‘wow, I can’t do that’ – so it must be at least kind of cool, right?

7:16 pm I can hear Erica’s feedback (though it sounds very… upside-down). She’s buying what I’m selling. Crisis averted.

7:20pm         

We’re trying out different poses, different faces and – did she just say “Calvin Klein?” She wants me to serve Calvin Klein?? She wants me to serve CALVIN KLEIN. This is the coolest day of my life.

7:21pm        

I FEEL… golden. Even as my mind frantically traces my silhouette’s outline in anticipation of each pose, my skin feels boundless, bleeding effortlessly into the salty light. Please, please, let me remember this feeling.

7:24pm         

Outfit change! My ego temporarily resurfaces within my body, and I take stock of my situation. I’m being photographed on the beach at sunset, and it’s every bit as empowering as I hoped it would be. Various and sundry nonsense aside, my life fucking rocks.

7:29 pm Outfit changed and ego subsiding. We’re now doing ‘trust falls’ into the water. Feels somehow apropos.

7:33pm         

All the threads of my fragmented identity are starting to weave together, and I am starting to feel like a united whole. I’m imperfect and beautiful, and for once that doesn’t feel like a contradiction.

7:36pm        

I’m beginning to feel forgiveness towards the world, and it feels sublime. Unfortunately, I’m also beginning to think about forgiveness. My ego is awakening. Please, not yet.

7:39pm        

Wait…who am I to feel the world owes me some kind of apology?? What’s wrong with me??? Am I really that vain?

7:40pm         

Once again taking stock of my situation: yes; all evidence suggests that I am, in fact, vain. I take a glance at the family down the beach – they are now flying a kite.

7:41pm        

OK, it’s time for the last shot of the day: body submerged, with face peeking through the water. I don’t excel at swimming or even just floating, but let’s give it a go, hey?

7:42pm        

Yikes, this is hard. I need to maintain my center of gravity but I can’t stop shivering. Even if I can stay rigid enough to float, that’s only half the battle – I have to deliver something emotive. I have to act my way into becoming something like a sponge, or a coral:  semi-porous, enigmatically solid, and integrated seamlessly into the waters surrounding.

7:43pm

My inner child suggests a reference: Judy Funnie, in her purple beret, rolling on the floor and imitating bacon. Let’s get ‘method.’ I am water. I, am water. Hello, water, I am you also.

7:45pm        

We’ve yet to succeed but we’re undeterred. The water and I are making peace with each other. My body keeps trying to snap-to and I keep saying, we’re safe, it’s OK, we’re safe, you’re safe, you can let go, you need to let go…

7:46pm         

I MEAN, in fairness to my paranoid body, I don’t have any visual or auditory feedback right now, because my eyes are closed and my ears are submerged. I’m not even sure whether Erica is shooting from the shore or if she’s right above me. Hell, I could open my eyes ten minutes from now and realize I’m fully out-to-sea.

7:47pm        

IN FAIRNESS to my paranoid mind, I mean, that does seem like the most probable outcome, dontcha think? First I get a little too relaxed, then I reach for the seafloor (which, incidentally, I haven’t stopped touching in reality) only to find nothing there; then I start thrashing until I’m sufficiently upright to realize that I’m in the Bermuda Triangle (which, incidentally, has relocated to the Pacific) and that it’s time to issue my final apologies to the universe for my vast potential still unrealized and for taking up so much goddamn space all the goddamn time.

7:49pm        

Silence. The bounds of my body are breaking away into the water just as they had done into the sunlight. I feel the slight smile in my lips become genuine; the warmth pours upstream, over the angles of my cheekbones into the corners of my shut eyes. I imagine Erica sensing this change and going into a trance of her own, setting pulse to fingers and shutters and judgment. I feel so lucky to be here with her, being creative and expressive, in this beautiful place.

7:50 I am water (no longer an aspirational mantra but rather a matter of fact). My consciousness is clear, deep, and calm. At once, I am creation and destruction; I am an embarrassment of riches and a mess of contradictions. Up from the far-off watery depths I can hear echoes of Toad the Wet Sprocket.

7:51pm        

Erica taps my ankle and my eyes shoot open. That’s a wrap, folks (!!).

7:53pm        

We’re packing up, and my ego is gradually reassuming ownership of my body. I’m relieved to be out-of-breath, because I’m not sure I could even begin to articulate my gratitude at this moment.

7:59pm         

We’ve said our farewells, and I took a stab at finding the words; inadequate though it may be I’m feeling uncharacteristically peaceful with inadequacy. Erica asked if I’d like to collaborate again sometime. I feel… good. I definitely, definitely feel good.

8:24pm

I’m almost home, with a mini caravan in tow. I’d brought half of my wardrobe to the shoot, as well as travel kits for hair and makeup, because I don’t know how water works (apparently) – and because I am an anxious nibbins who’s still learning to trust his own judgment. Someday, I’d like to let go of the compulsive urge to try way too hard at most things. I should probably learn to swim while I’m at it.

8:36pm

I’m sweeping up the sand I tracked in and smiling to myself. I’ve been replaying the photoshoot in my mind over and over again.

8:40pm I still feel beautiful.

8:40 and 30 seconds I accept that this feeling might not last; it will come and go; I can’t necessarily expect to have been radically transformed by this experience, at least not immediately. But still, something’s changed. My ego can’t seem to put his finger on it, but there’s a voiceless presence, an avatar of me in my own head, that is entirely comfortable with the silence, and with the existence of the ineffable.

The next morning, 6:09am

I… still feel beautiful. Serene, even. It’s like an alarm that has been ceaselessly sounding finally fell silent.

6:09 am and 30 seconds

I think… I think I’ve got this. I think I feel good. It’s… neat.